Saturday, November 14, 2009



If you receive an email entitled "Rumplestiltskin" delete it immediately. Do not open it. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Rumplestiltskin" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

I repeat.... do not open it!!

2 opinionated prattle:

Stan said...

Damm, I was worried about the Swine Flu or whatever our new administration re-named it, I can never remember all the letters and numbers. Sounds like a password to me. From your alert, I am sure that Rumplestinks is much more dangerous than a little fever from some snotty pig. Can't comment much longer, you might be infected and I have to get my neoprene gloves, maybe even my waders and face mask because I don't want any of that rumple stuff cause I have more computing to do. Good stuff there, I don't care what anyone says - that is funny!

Stan said...

After reading alert the second time, I did a little research, NOW i am scared.
3 Years Ago the Chinese Calendar was the year of Cow and we had the "MAD COW" Disease scare.
2 Years Ago The Chinese Calendar was the year of the Bird and we had the "AVIAN Flu" Scare.
This year, the Chinese Calendar is the year of the Pig and we have "SWINE Flu"
What really concerns me, this next year is the Chinese Calendar year of the "COCK". Now I am scared!

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